We Have Never Met
Dear Hortense,
I met this great guy on a dating app & we have been FaceTiming & talking a lot for the past couple weeks. He has ghosted me a couple times, but since we have never met, I don't want to assume anything negative. He works for an important government agency & he just reached back out to me this week to apologize. He said he's been going through a lot & not communicative, so I am definitely not excusing him at all, but I appreciate that he apologized, because I thought there was something wrong with me & I was definitely overthinking.
I told him his behavior showed me he wasn't interested & he said he definitely was, he just needs stuff to calm down at work (he might be getting deployed somewhere). I am definitely not holding out for anything or putting all my eggs in one basket, but he's definitely an awesome guy, way better than anyone else I've met recently, so I believe it could be worth the wait. There have been so many synchronicities since we met & it just feels important to stay open. Is this a boundary I need to set?! If so, it's a super hard one!
- Eggs in One Basket
Dear Eggs in One Basket,
Phew, we got there by the end. I was worried for a minute, because there are many deliberate moments of denial in this letter. The fact that you are asking, means you know you are excusing, you know you are putting all your eggs in a basket & there is nothing meant to be about this situation.
He is also not better than any other man you have met recently, because you have never met. The boundaries of talking & FaceTiming with no date planned is an entirely different story, a self-worth energetic that will have to be worked through with a different suitor. As for this situation, I am going to assume you are seeking partnership by being here. Do you two live in the same city? If yes I would unmatch with him today & delete his number.
I know that is not what you want to hear, but I have been where you are & I feel you & feel for you.
BUT...in cis/hetero partnerships, a "couple of weeks" is how long it takes for a man to know if the wants to marry you, not how long it takes to see if he can get around to maybe having a cup of coffee for 20 min, I do not care if he is the head of the CIA.
Focus on two things. One, he is a reflection of the many aspects you want in a man. These are qualities that your partner WILL have. Your partner will also be emotionally available, choose you & never let you go. This is not that person. Two, it is okay to go 0-60 in partnership (all the happy married couples I know fell in love & committed very quickly to each other, including my husband & me), but I had to really pull back on how hard I projected onto people while dating. I did this to a few people & had to dig deep to figure out why I had this energetic & why I was so anxious to give it away to strangers.
Do not waste your energetics here. Let your heart be open so you can notice when your partner comes by.
x
Hortense
