Anxiously Attached
Dear Hortense,
I am dating someone new & MAN is my anxious attachment kicking up…to the point where I'm hyperventilating crying some days. Yes, I know that is not normal. (I have gotten this when first dating my past two boyfriends).
I am trying to be so gentle with myself, meditation, sound healing, supportive phone calls to friends…Just looking for advice on how to navigate these big emotions.
- Hyperventilating Crying
Dear Hyperventilating Crying,
I had always identified as anxiously attached, until I met my husband. Turns out, I just have trauma because of the unstable love I received from my family of origin & there is actually nothing wrong with me. I have never once felt anxiously attached to my husband. All I ever asked for or wanted from past relationships was commitment, communication & stability. When they refused & could not offer me those things in ways that felt safe, I became anxious. For me, that is a completely healthy & normal feeling to not getting what I need.
I don't know this person & I am not saying he is not the person you are supposed to be with, but I am telling you that you can be in a relationship where all your needs are met (because I doubt your needs are really that "extreme" & "needy" or whatever shadow words you call yourself to rationalize your very human reaction -- I had a slew of things I told myself I was wrong about...until I began this process & my husband and I found each other).
I have come to kind of resent the book Attached, because when I read it, I heard that it was me that was the problem, that I needed to learn to compromise my needs in order to be in a healthy relationship. (Who knows what it actually says, but that was the lens I received it through when I read it). I will tell you, the only thing I did differently in dating was to FULLY stop settling for bullshit. It was very painful & scary, but today I have more than I have ever dreamed of & am loved by my husband in a way I never thought anyone would or could love me.
There are a lot of specific ascensions & cycles I went through to manifest him. While he & I have a human marriage & relationship (meaning we can piss the hell out of each other at times, we can argue from time to time) I have NEVER hyperventilated from anxiety over him (or even felt anxious about his love), as I had done with pretty much every partner I had ever had until my early 30s. You deserve love. You are worthy of love. It is available for you. I promise.
x
Hortense
