Male Friend
Dear Hortense,
A male friend & I recently reconnected on social. He was super supportive to me through the end of a toxic relationship, but now he has been hitting on me. I have set a boundary, more than once. I am angry & disappointed that he manipulated me.
- Angry & Disappointed
Dear Angry & Disappointed,
Done with him, you don't need to reiterate the boundary again.
In terms of "manipulation," you may not like this next part...I had to basically cut all male friendships out -- certainly any & all that were "platonic." Some hetero women claim true platonic friendships with hetero men, but I have a hard time believing in the authenticity of these dynamics.
The only straight men I socialize with are related to me, colleagues of mine (& then only socialize in professional settings), friends of my husband (& then only with him), or partners of my girlfriends (& then only with said girlfriend). It sounds patriarchal & f*cked, but it has been my full experience that it gets real weird real quick when men & women pretend they are just friends.
I would consider why you feel like you want friendships with straight men. I have had them in high school & college & beyond, but each relationship dynamic, either as years went on or upon reflection, was extremely inappropriate & not actually friendship. I am not secretly in love with or want to sleep with my girlfriends or gay male friends, nor are they with me. These relationships are a reflection of our low self worth, they certainly have been for me. I either secretly or subconsciously wanted said "friend" or they wanted me. I friend-zoned them & then went on to use them for male companionship & attention.
I would simply stop replying to him. If you see him socially, I would be cordial & avoid him. More importantly, I would do an audit of all the straight men in your life & discover the authentic dynamic.
x
Hortense
