Sex on the First Date
Dear Hortense,
I have gone 8 months of no hook ups. I did not settle for 3 of the exes that reached out. I set a boundary on a reciprocal crush that was not headed toward partnership. I want a partner who is not into hook up culture, but is still very sexual. My sexual desire is a big part of my shadow & I want a partner who can show me where I need to grow & what I need to embrace.
I have been talking to this guy for about 3 weeks & last night our conversation turned sensual, so it seems like the first date could end up in a place of real intimacy. If I know this person well & feel safe, why can't I be intimate on the first date? Especially if sexuality is a huge aspect of what I want in my partnership.
My fear is if I sleep with him, I will throw away all the work I have been doing & be further away from what I actually want.
- Very Sexual
Dear Very Sexual,
I see you. I feel you. I have ZERO judgment of you. I always slept with people very quickly & have been very sexual. Unfortunately, I have bad news. I was always in shitty, anxious, terrible relationships & I needed to do something different. I wanted commitment, love & safety (I manifested it through this magick process & this only). I employ a 6 week rule. I had to genuinely follow it. NO sex without commitment.
It is not about patriarchal limiting beliefs like "they won't think you are worthy if you give it up too soon" or whateverrrrrr bullshit we can attach to this advice. (Which is how I scoffed off this advice from older, wiser people for a decade). I have been in multiple committed relationships that started from 1 night stands, so I know that is not true. HOWEVER…for me, it was about solidifying my self-worth. I had to set a genuine boundary in dating in order to expand my own worth to myself & to the energetics of the universe.
The other part of the bad news is, for me, sleeping around or the shadows around my sexuality were fully derived from childhood sexual abuse & multiple sexual assaults I experienced as an adult. I do not know your story, but I would consider reflecting on your own sexual history or potential trauma, which is not something you need a partner to unfold.
When we sleep around or give it up, it is trauma. We rationalize it as our authenticity, but it is pretty much never the case. For me, my sex life is very important, but my choice to sleep around was me acting out my trauma, while truly believing I was empowered in these choices.
It took me sometime to manifest my husband. The timeline was excruciating & I had to set some extremely difficult boundaries & experienced a lot of discouragement, (like being dumped by a reflection I thought was my full partner!), but this process does work & is truly the only thing that got me to the loving, safe partnership I am in today.
Also, 3 weeks is about how long it takes a cis/hetero man to fall in love. Why so long for a first date? I am not going to text with a stranger for 3 weeks, then have an inappropriate conversation & vain optimism that intimacy may occur. There is nothing intimate about this current dynamic. Intimacy also has nothing to do with sex or being naked.
x
Hortense
