Out of Control
Dear Hortense,
I know this is just a reflection, but I am not sure what I am doing wrong.
I have a shitty dad, emotionally & physically unavailable while growing up. The guy I'm dating is a lot like him (shock 🙄 even with years of therapy). My dad recently triggered me (cancelled on a trip & wouldn't tell me why). I had a big talk with my guy about him needing to schedule dates (he usually texts 10 min before because he lives upstairs)... to so I can feel more secure. He said he “noted” my request. I am spiraling & I feel like I am just being controlling.
I am not sure what I am looking for. I think I just want to be seen & heard.
- I Can Feel More Secure
Dear I Can Feel More Secure,
You are worthy of a relationship where all your needs are met.
Let's start at the end. You want to be seen & heard. Does your “guy” (not your committed boyfriend, assuming) see & hear you? Does your dad? It sounds like no to both.
You are not sure what you are looking for. Is that true? It sounds like you know what you are looking for: time & attention. Attention and time are not things you should need to ask for or negotiate in the early stages of a relationship. Why are you here if you aren't inseparable, can't keep our hands off each other, our world is on fire and full when together? What do you want? If it's partnership, then that's what partnership is. Radical union & passionate commitment.
You are worthy of a relationship where all your desires are met.
One thing is that people, cis men in particular, tend to learn through actions, not words. If you are giving someone what they want, but telling them don’t do that, it doesn’t subconsciously compute. Next time your “guy” texts you ten min before he wants to hang out, you DO NOT hang out with him. You set a boundary & you are worthy of sticking to it. You are WORTHY of a BOYFRIEND who values you & cherishes your feelings & needs. If he wants to see you, he will schedule a date & he will never mess that up again because he knows you are a woman of a certain caliber. if he doesn’t schedule a date… well then you know what to do next & frankly, to his dick ass reply of “noting” your “request” (I'm going to guess that was his word too), you already know what to do.
You are not trying to be controlling, you are excusing your out of control behavior. If you had control, you would stop settling for crumbs & sobbing in hunger. If you regained control, you would stop seeing this douche, throw up a hard boundary with your dad & get radically in touch with your authenticity. You CAN do this, whenever you are ready. If you need to have your heart shredded again to be ready, go for it, but this leads no where close to partnership or happiness & I am only being this blunt because I know you know you know this. You know this is wrong. You just need more reflection to believe it is right. This experience is NOT a reflection of your desires.
The most important work for you today is to find examples of partnership that reflect what you truly desire, not what you think you are worthy of & settling for.
xo
Hortense
